Monday, March 3, 2008

Where I go Jack Nicholson on your Chrysler Sebring convertable

I never thought it would happen to me. Seriously, I am a very mellow driver. I'd be hard pressed to honk, regardless of the offense. About the only time I venture to comment on anyone's driving is to tell Erik to slow down or back off. You can usually find me in the slow lane encouraging some car dancing from the girls in the back seat.

Saturday, rushing from the parent academy to the soccer game, I spotted an offensive substance in the back seat. Earlier, I had swung through the donut drive-thru and picked up some pigs-n-blankets for the girls. And because I had cleaned out my car a few days earlier, I found the sight of this lone "blanket" particularly puzzling. I mean, who just eats the "pig"? And you know what happens to flour based food stuffs when left in the back seat of mom's car? They become crumbs. Millions of crumbs. So stopped at a light, I reached in to the back seat grabbed the bread "blanket", rolled down the passenger side window and chucked it into a grassy knoll (not THAT grassy knoll) next to the abandoned grocery slated to become a Whole Foods.

Let's review the facts:

I threw a piece of bread into the grass.
It's spring.
Birds love bread.

So it makes perfect sense, that a woman felt it was her business, to pull up beside me once the light turned green, make her worst ugly face and scream at the top of her lungs, "LITTERBUG!" while driving along side me at 40 MPH.

I experienced a sensation I'd previously only witnessed. I was overcome with OH. NO. SHE. DIDN'T. syndrome.

You want to get into a judge off with me lady? You are messing with the wrong mom. I gave birth in San Francisco. I raised babies in NYC. Manhattan proper. I've cut my teeth on the parental judging capitol of our country. Let's review the facts:

Your "wedge" styled haircut. Absolutely hideous. It's the first thing I noticed about you.
Your child in the front seat? Dangerous. Much more so than the bread I threw out of the window.
Your Chrysler Sebring convertible. Ewwww. Your choice in cars proves you have zero taste.
Your New Vehicle tags. Maybe if you're such an earth lover you should have considered a hybrid?
You yell at strangers in front of your child. Nice. Ever watch Dr. Phil? Your kid probably realized it was bread and now has to live with a mother who screams, name calls AND can't see very well.
You can't see, but yet you drive. Again with the danger. Not just for your child, but also mine.

You can call me a lot of things, but litter bug not very high on the list. I abhor garbage. And as a good dead I frequently pick up other people's trash. Especially in public parks. I do like birds. And children.

So, just know - that your indiscretion is forgiven. I am kind of hoping we run into each other again soon. And by run into, I am no way implying with my car (although the Sebring scored well in side impact crash tests - go you!). Because the next time I see you, I'm going to smile and use my nice best voice to say, "IT WAS BREAD!!!"


kelleymalex said...

You go, girl! This is hilarious.

Bronie said...

hahahaha sounds like her "wedge" was too tight. it was bread for goodness sake! great post!

zellmer said...

this was your best, and most Vanessa post ever. and i loved living vicariously through your angst. way to tell that c u next tuesday.

mr celebrity insider said...

That sounds hilarious girl! Bahaha

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