Tuesday, October 30, 2007

I Miss My Beaufriend


At my old job. I had a friend. Just one.

He will crack up at that. It was one of many inside jokes we shared. That one having to do something to do with a comedienne and a nail salon. But the truth is, I might have actually had ONLY one friend at my old job. His name is Beau. I have nothing but great things to say about his tired, sick, complaining, fussy, Oklahoman ass. He made going to work and being there for anywhere from 8 to 20 hours on any given day bearable.

We had lunch together every day, usually at Subway. We counted on each other for support, rides, laughs. He gave me lots of grief. His impersonation of me involves scattered high pitched babble saying something about: Did you know I have children? Two! And mine of him involved calling his all expenses paid two year cross country advertising adventure "graduate school". Hahahaha!

I sincerely hope that our paths cross again. Soon.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

At Your Service

We don't spank. Clarification. I should say, we don't spank as punishment, in our home. It is shocking to us all when on the rare occasion we witness a parent hitting their child as discipline. Once in a bathroom at The Dixie House. Once at a Birthday Party. Once an elderly woman caned her way over to our table at Luby's and told me Lula needed a A Good Old-fashioned Healthy Spankin'. But I digress and the point mainly is that if you're going to get spanked in our house, it is purely for fun.

So, the other night I hear a fit of giggles coming from Lula's room. I peak through the door to see Lula spanking Hazel. The laughing escalates every time either of them says the word butt. And there is lots of emphasis on the B and the T.

Butt! Haahaaahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Butt!! Haahahahahhahahahahahahahaha.

And then Lula says:

Hazel, I'm your Butler! Get it, Butt-ler. Your Butt!! Ler! Hahahahahahahahahaha.

Monday, October 22, 2007

My Biggest Fan



I used to say that "our song" was Good Hearted Woman by Willie Nelson. I've even gone as far as to contemplate getting our wedding bands engraved.

His: Good Timin' Man
Hers: Good Hearted Woman


Recently, I was struggling with how many bloggers are over the top mushy and gushy and all kinds of in love with their husbands. And what was wrong with me that I didn't sit down and start my every post with....

How do I love my Erik, let me count the ways!!

To put a quick end to the rumors started from my growing legion of blans (blog + fans) and bloopies (blog + groupies) I have amassed. I want to make one thing perfectly clear, I LOVE MY HUSBAND.

And just to prove it, I've provided the lyrics to my true favorite song for us, the John Prine classic, In Spite of Ourselves.

She don't like her eggs all runny
She thinks crossin' her legs is funny
She looks down her nose at money
She gets it on like the Easter Bunny
She's my baby I'm her honey
I'm never gonna let her go

He ain't got laid in a month of Sundays
I caught him once and he was sniffin' my undies
He ain't too sharp but he gets things done
Drinks his beer like it's oxygen
He's my baby
And I'm his honey
Never gonna let him go

In spite of ourselves
We'll end up a'sittin' on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, we're the big door prize
We're gonna spite our noses
Right off of our faces
There won't be nothin' but big old hearts
Dancin' in our eyes.

She thinks all my jokes are corny
Convict movies make her horny
She likes ketchup on her scrambled eggs
Swears like a sailor when shaves her legs
She takes a lickin'
And keeps on tickin'
I'm never gonna let her go.

He's got more balls than a big brass monkey
He's a wacked out werido and a lovebug junkie
Sly as a fox and crazy as a loon
Payday comes and he's howlin' at the moon
He's my baby I don't mean maybe
Never gonna let him go

In spite of ourselves
We'll end up a'sittin' on a rainbow
Against all odds
Honey, we're the big door prize
We're gonna spite our noses
Right off of our faces
There won't be nothin' but big old hearts
Dancin' in our eyes.
There won't be nothin' but big old hearts
Dancin' in our eyes.

(spoken) In spite of ourselves

2007 Pumpkin Carvin' Contest Entry

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

The Epicenter

I was in an eleven-passenger Super Shuttle® van. With nine of my co-workers. There was one driver. We were on our way to Grapevine Mills Mall. It was not yet noon. Our mission was to observe "beta culture". You know. Teens. Our target audience. The Cads had dreamed up this event as a way to garner some new business from Large Soft Drink Manufacturer™.

Super Shuttles® remind me of New York City. It was the most economical and logistical way to get to the airport.With the added element of surprise. It's a lotto. No. More of a Forrest Gump-ish Box of Chocolates. What'cha gonna get? Who will you pick up? Where ya gonna go? And there is so much to look at driving to and from New York City. So much.

Not so in Dallas. In Dallas, I avoid the highway. On occasion, I venture onto 75. But I hate the highways. And avoid them as best I can. In Dallas there are many, many of these roads and they intersect and overlap. It is dizzying.

So I'm on a Super Shuttle® van and we've been driving for what seems like forever. We're driving past the DFW airport and there is nothing to look at. Four lanes headed North. Four lanes headed South. And no ocean!?!? Or river?!?! The roads in New York are twisty and turny, two lanes in stretches, through tunnels over bridges, with pedestrian near misses, strange smoke coming out of the Earth.

The Cads had informed us that the mall contained an indoor skateboard park. And that we should approach these "beta culture" kids. These buyers of Large Soft Drink Manufacturer™ offer them Large Soft Drink™ or buy their entrance in to the indoor skate park and then talk to them. And you know...get inside their heads. It sounded like a bee line to the top of the National Sex Offenders list to me, but then, perhaps I was being too cynical.

En route, I texted Steffy. My dear friend from college, who also works in advertising. Her response was lightening quick: Quit! Now!


(*You should know, that Cads is take off of a nickname given to a groups of bosses I had. They were called by some The Dads because I assume, they were male and had leadership titles.)

Monday, October 15, 2007

Putting out an APB for the Karma Police

I am debt free. Every morning I jog and have a dedicated yoga practice. My girls are smart, innovative, leaders. They are full of confidence. They tell me ALL their secrets. I walk gently on the earth. I travel the world. Our home, which was paid for by my first novel, has just undergone complete green renovation, paid for when I sold the movie rights. It is always clean and organized. Renowned for my fabulous parties and am a gracious and competent hostess. And a snazzy dresser. Erik plays golf everyday. I usually only play once a week. It upset him too much to lose.

** Inspired by Steffy's Creative Visualization and Klein's Karma Police posts.

Four

Steffy tagged me for this. I wish I could insert a hyperlink, but since she is practically my only reader, she knows how to get back to her blog.



4 Jobs I have had:

waitress
babysitter
lifeguard
mom



4 Movies I love to watch over and over:

Coal Miner's Daughter
Almost Famous
What's Eating Gilbert Grape
Dazed & Confused


4 Places I have lived:

New York City
San Francisco
Austin
Wichita


4 TV Shows I enjoy watching:

Weeds
SNL
The Amazing Race
Grey's Anatomy



4 Places I have been:

Jamaica
Can Cun
Dollywood
Yellowstone National Park


4 Websites I visit daily:
yahoo mail
dlisted
dooce
zlikezebra


4 Favorite foods:

spinach
spaghetti and meatballs
filet mignon
cheese


4 Places I would rather be:

at lunch w/ my girls
anywhere in SF
yoga class
bali

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Pretty on the Outside

I called my mom after the gym this morning. She said, "How was your workout?" I replied that I was running. And her response was, "Now don't eat!!!!" Seriously. As long as you are not eating, everything is good in my mother's eyes. She went on about high protein and no carbs and how she needs diet pills and is taking the new OTC kind. I could write for days on the relationship between my mother, myself and food. She is the only person I know who comes home from the grocery store and the fridge is still empty. I think she has an aversion to it. I usually find some product, excuse me, some HIGH PROTEIN product sitting in the pantry with the words Keep Refrigerated clearly written on the label. It is a wonder the girls haven't been food poisoned with the various kid food products that have rotted in her cupboard shelves. Including and not limited to Danimals drinkable yogurt. Doesn't everyone know to refrigerate yogurt?

Once she was flipping through the cable TV stations when a gaggle of models walking the cat walk caught her eye. "Oh, come watch this!", she exclaimed to anyone who would listen. She oooooo'd and ahhhhhhhh'd about how beautiful, how skinny, how wonderful. After a many minutes of the announcer talking about the shows intended topic and the words from the program finally sunk in. It was an expose on the fashion industry and anorexia.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Overheard

Clutching her new Hannah Montanna CD, H exclaimed: Whoever wants to ROCK come to my bedroom! I am so there.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Try New Things


This is the simple mantra we use to chide Lula into tasting new foods. It has seeped into my lexicon and I hear it in my head on the rare occasion I am actually in a situation where what I am about to experience could be filed under "new". Dooce recently started making recommendations. First a movie. It didn't blow my doors off, honestly. Second a soap. Looks good, smells okay, seems to be working. If she told me to jump of a cliff, at this point, I just might.

In addition, the lemming in me can't learn to NOT take the kids with me to the grocery store. And to pour salt, I take them to super stores. Food just isn't enough. Add toys, DVDs, bikes and bathroom accessories! And each time as we enter the automatic doors I hear the little voice say: This time it will be different. This time you will NOT get stressed out.

But they had to go and add aisles and aisles of Halloween Decorations, didn't they? By the time my blood pressure started going up I had lowered my expectations to getting enough items to be able to cook dinner that night and having staples to be able to make school lunches for part of the week. In case you are still searching, lowering your expectations is the secret to happiness.

When we finally made it to the check out line, I am able to survey the food items the girls have thrown into the cart. Lula's contrbution was Goober Grape. I remember the first time I saw this blended concoction on the shelf, not for me I immediatly thought. But this morning after school drop-off, the gym and a successful phone interview, Goober hit the spot. I highly recommend.